I went to the OB's office this morning. I got teary-eyed from the moment the gal took my blood pressure. I waited for Dr. Phillips and a tech came in to check the baby's heartbeat. Even though my heart was weighed with guilt for feeling this way, my brain hoped that there would be no heartbeat. There was a beautiful, lively heartbeat. I had mixed feelings. The hopeful part of me was glad but I also thought, "I just need this to be over with."
Dr. Phillips was really nice to me. I had several questions for him and I feel a bit better now that I have some more answers. He said that he suspects that the baby will pass away soon, especially since the amnio showed I don't have a lot of amnio fluid (not a good sign). He said I am past the point of a D and C and he explained what will happen when I have to deliver Kevin. He said that he thinks I'm dealing with this very well (I don't feel that way most of the time) and he gave me a hug. He suggested that for my own peace of mind I come in once a week for a heartbeat check. He said that I may have signs of miscarriage or labor but that it's quite possible I won't have any idea that the baby has passed away. Therefore, it's good to get the regular heartbeat checks. I will still have ultrasounds through The Women's Institute about ever 2 weeks I think.
The tech who checked the heartbeat could tell I was having a hard time. She said that kindest thing to me when I told her I am hoping for a miracle, "You never know....doctors do not have the final say, God does." Whatever happens, this horrible situation will not break me. I even said that out loud the other day when I was driving. However, I am allowing myself to have a meltdown here and there. I know God did not do this to me in any mean way. I do not blame him. I know Kevin will be so happy in Heaven. But God, will you please give me a miracle? Will you heal my son? If not, it's okay. I love you, Kevin. My little bun in the oven.
8 years ago
6 comments:
i am crying with you. and praying for your miracle.
((Hugs))
Jen, I am praying for a miracle for you too! I'm relieved to see that you are letting your emotions flow. Just last week I finally asked Dr. Queen for a good Therapist. So glad to see too that your doctors are offering their support. You know you have ours---whatever you need!
Jen..you have our support and anything you need we can be here for. Thanks for the update!. I do believe in miracles! It was good to see your face today. Melissa C
Jen, you know I've been through a very similar situation. If you have any questions or concerns you'd like to bounce off someone who's been in the same shoes don't hesitate to ask. I know it's a very difficult, and often very lonely, place to be. ((big hugs))
also praying for a miracle!
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