Today's OB Visit

Saw Dr. Phillips today. There is still a heartbeat for baby Kevin. Despite the fact that the doctor I saw on Tuesday (Dr. Revell?) said he thought I'd be miscarrying any time, Dr. Phillips said this could go on for another 6-8 weeks or longer. He still wants me to come in each week for a heartbeat check. He was kind and listened to me for several minutes. I had been so sure that I did not want to terminate the pregnancy but over the past 4 days or so I was seriously considering it. The cramping was getting the best of me and I felt like I was breaking down emotionally. I craved/crave a sense of closure and normalcy (whatever that means). It's okay if you judge me for considering a termination; all I can say is you have to be in the situation to fully understand. I have a strong faith in God so for me to even consider termination probably seems contradictory.

I would not or do not begrudge anyone who would terminate in a situation like this or with other severe birth defects. Again, you don't know what you'd do unless you are in the situation. I am really going out on a limb by even writing about this. Uggg. Just do me a favor, if you're upset by what I've just wrote about, please do not tell me because I honestly don't want to hear it.

I met with Nicola for a nice Thai lunch and she listened to me openhearted. I can always count on her, and several other friends for that, and just hearing myself talk, I decided that I don't want to terminate. I then went over to Megans because I wanted to talk to her. She is also an openhearted listener. She said some things that rang true in my heart and my desire to not terminate became even stronger. I'm thankful that Rick is in support of whatever I decide to do. I feel badly for his emotions, too. I feel badly that I have not been as good a mom to Tyler as I would normally be.

I see the OB specialist at The Women's Institute on Tuesday for another Level 2 Ultrasound.

I would LOVE for Kevin to be a 'case' of Trisomy 13 that gets cured. I would love for him to totally mystify the medical community. I would love to be able to tell him when he's older, "God performed a miracle on you. He saved you from an awful condition. We didn't think you'd be around for us to raise you and love on you."