I looked up the five stages of grief:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
I don't know how that works. I'm way past stage one and I'm surely not at step five but I'm in a whirlwind of the steps in the middle. I'm not "bargaining" much but I am totally angry and there certainly is a lot of depression going on. One of my coping mechanisms is to play point/counterpoint in my mind. It works pretty well almost all of the time. The counterpoint is a way I remind myself of how things could be a lot worse. Well, I'm ticked off and don't feeling like playing the game. I need to let myself be angry and stop downplaying it. Yes, it could be worse but it sure the heck could be better.
I am angry because:
I lost my baby.
I have not been able to give Tyler a sibling.
I've had 3 miscarriages.
My husband has been caused such angst.
Tyler's world has been negatively affected over the past several weeks.
That family on the Discovery channel has 18 kids and all I'm asking for is 2.
That stupid woman in CA has all of those kids via IVF because of her own selfishness.
The labor and delivery hurt so !#%ing badly and FOR WHAT?
I had a death in my family only three years ago and now we have another one.
Kevin body is in 'limbo' because he had to go to a different hospital for testings and has not been able to cremated yet. It makes me sick to my stomach.
I am angry and I'm not going to counterpoint it for now. I'm numb and the only thing that will take that away is time. However, I do not buy into "Time heals all wounds." I think that time aids us to live our lives but traumatic things that have happened to us are embedded in our minds the way a tattoo is drawn onto skin.
I also feel that anger is simply a more robust version of sadness. Sadness undergirds anger.
Yet, I still feel grateful. And that's not even a counterpoint.
UPDATE 10:30am Friday
Rick and I have an appointment at McEwen Funeral Home at noon. They picked little Kevin up last night. We will go in to sign paperwork and pick out his urn. They have ones for infants. :-)
8 years ago
6 comments:
Everything that you are feeling is completely normal and it's good that you are getting your feelings out somewhere! It wouldn't be healthly to keep them all bundled up inside. I pray for you daily in your journey.
anger is good jen. be angry. it's okay!! anger means you are still alive.
i will pray that the anger will go away, but until then go punch something (not someone!) and get it out!!
big hugs, Jen.
Only you would look up the stages of grief! The is no hard and fast rule that you will go through the stages in order. How I learned them is once you get past one, most people bounce around between 2,3 & 4 for a while before finally coming to acceptance. And remember even tattoos fade with time.
"I do not buy into "Time heals all wounds." I think that time aids us to live our lives but traumatic things that have happened to us are embedded in our minds the way a tattoo is drawn onto skin."
I totally agree Jen.
I wish I could take away your pain, anger...all of it!
We're here. I'm here. If and when needed.
LOVE...
What a great post. I think your wrote what many people feel .Life isn't fair and it is okay to say it outloud!
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