Over and over I allow myself to be disappointed by my dad. I consider myself to be a semi-intelligent person yet I am daft when it comes to my father. It isn't his fault, really, he is a narcissist and for some reason he has not evolved past that. I grew up totally without him and for many years I blamed myself, like if I would have been a better kid he would want to be around me. Fortunately, by the grace of God, I evolved past that line of thinking. I figured out several years ago that God was indeed doing me a favor by having me raised by just my mom. And for those of you who are privy to the relationship me mom and I had, I'm darn lucky I didn't turn out to be more messed up than I already am. Hey, at least I can laugh about it.
I told my dad about the Trisomy 13 situation the day after I found out. I said that I'd call him if I had any updates. But I never said, "Don't call me; I'll call you," or anything like that. His girlfriend sent me a card expressing how sorry she was for the situation my baby is in a few weeks back. Dad didn't sign it, which that alone is not a big deal. On the flip side, he never called to see how I'm doing. Not for an entire month.
I finally heard from him today. He left me a phone message saying that he had not heard from me in a month. What do I expect, he's a narcissist?
I called him back and he did ask how I'm doing. I told him that I'm not doing very well. I told him that Rick is not doing very well either. He said he was sorry to hear that. He then said, "Well, I have not heard from you in a month and I didn't call you because I figured you were busy." Huh.
Why does this surprise me?
How is it that people I hardly know have extended a huge amount of concern for me and Rick and my own father acts like this? Now I have a decision to make....do I let my dad's lack of showing of concern eat me up or do I concentrate on how thankful I am for all of the lovely support I've been receiving? I feel really blessed for all positive things that have happened to me in the past month, particularly the prayers. I don't know why it surprises me that one of those blessings has not been my own father.
As much as I disliked my mom (I did love her, though) she would have been there for me. \
Hmmm, now I think I'm starting to sound like a narcissist.
7 years ago
3 comments:
Jenn, it is uncanny how much that sounds like my family.I can't even tell you how many times I've heard the "I thought you were busy line." I can count on one hand the number of times my Dad has seen Sebastian. Siennah only once when she was 6 months old and the baby never. When we do speak I get horrible comments like "what's wrong with your kids, that they get sick? You were a healthy child"--really so sensitive. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I can relate and if you need someone to talk to, I'm here.
My prayers & thoughts are still with all of you.... I pray for peace in all decisions you make jen.
Love, Melissa R.
the thing about family that's different from friends is that you don't get to pick them... you just get what you get. you can not control your dad (just like i can't control mine) so we just have to accept that they are who they are and NOT BLAME OURSELVES!!!! you know in your heart it's not personal... it's just who he is. leave it at that and walk away.
(easier said than done right??!!)
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