Home is where the heart is

But where is that?

I would like to preface this post by stating that I have many blessings in my life and that blogging about my feeling helps me make more sense out of the world. I'm trying to figure some things out. So bear with my as I lay some things out on the table.

I don't know where my family is supposed to live, where we're supposed to establish deep and long lasting roots. I pray about it frequently. This all started when I was 9 years old when my mom and I left Ohio to move to Arizona. Perhaps I should give you a little background.

I was born in Ohio and grew up as an only child to a young, divorced mom. I didn't have any contact with my dad (a story for another time) but I spent lots of enjoyable time with my extensive family on my mom's side. Everything was good in my little world.

My mom had a boyfriend for a few years who ended up moving to Arizona. Mom visited him, came back to Ohio and announced that we'd be moving to Arizona. As a 9 year old, this 100% turned my life upside down. That marriage didn't work out and we moved back to Ohio within a year. I was happy but could tell my mom wasn't as this was the recession of the early 1980's. Mom couldn't find a job and we were actually on food stamps and unemployment funds! It didn't affect me much but I'm sure it was horrible for my mom.

One place in the United States that was booming was Arizona. Mom knew she could get a job there. I stayed with my Grandma while mom moved to Phoenix to find work, get an apartment, and save money to fly me to Phoenix. I was not happy about this. But in hindsight it must have been a lot harder for my mom than me.

Over the years I became more and more comfortable with Phoenix. Holidays usually sucked because it was just me and my mom, no one else, unless we went a friend's house. Once I became an adult and moved out there were plenty of holidays in which even my mom and I were not together because we were not on speaking terms (again, a story for another time). I adopted my first fiancee's (there have been three of them: Rich, Jeff and Rick) family as my own and had everything I needed. I was totally at home in Phoenix.

When I was 25, I met fiancee' #2 and I moved to Northern California with him so he could become a winemaker (he still is to this day). I also worked for a winery and actually became rather knowledgable about wine and how it's make. Yes, I was MISERABLE despite the fact that is was BEAUTIFUL there. I think that Napa looks a lot like Switzerland. I missed Phoenix so much that it put a huge wedge between us. We broke up and I moved back. Ahhh, home to Phoenix. I was happy. I established myself as a single woman with a pretty good job and I bought my first house. Totally at home now.

I met Rick in 1998 when we both worked at Charles Schwab. While we were in the middle of getting a relationship started he transferred to Southern California. That was his dream, to move there. I soon followed as I was able to transfer, too. I rented out my house in Phoenix. Again, however, I was miserable and wanted to move back to Arizona! At the time it seemed like a good decision because Rick and I were trying to buy a house in So Cal and we were disenchanted by how expensive homes were! "Hey Rick, I already have a house in Phoenix!"

He changed companies and got a better job. I was able to transfer back with Schwab. Sure, we missed living 8 miles from the ocean and the cool weather but we would have also been poor! Sure, Phoenix has it's shortcomings but I was happy to be back home.

In 2005 when I was pregnant with Tyler we decided that we ought to get a bigger house. By then, housing prices were totally on the rise in Phoenix. What to do? Rick suggested we check out Charlotte because he could transfer with his company. Hmmm, interesting, I'll try that. We visited when I was seven months pregnant and both decided that it was nice but that we should stay in Phoenix. We didn't want to move our baby away from my mom. She had waited an awfully long time to become a grandma. :-)I also didn't want to leave my friends who were like family to me.

My poor mom was only a grandma for a few months because she passed away when Ty was 11 weeks old. (You know the drill, a story for another time) For a variety of reasons we ended up moving to Charlotte exactly a year later. I think I adjusted pretty well at first, actually.

I've had mixed experiences living here. I suppose that's the case no matter where you live. But I feel like no one here actually knows me. They know me as Tyler's mom. My friends in Phoenix know me as 'Jenny' who used to drive a 1971 Volkswagen Beetle.

But I'm not going to just look at Phoenix through rose-colored glasses. It's not perfect. It's hot as hell there for about 7 months out of the year. I didn't see my beloved friends nearly as much as I would have liked (they got busy and I got busy). Phoenix is a concrete jungle. Sure, the desert is beautiful but Phoenix itself, not so much. But is it still home, especially since my mom died, I don't know?

Even if I were hell bent on going back to Phoenix, it's not my decision. It's a decision Rick and I need to make together. And Rick will yell ya, he didn't like Phoenix much at all. You know what is ironic in this whole thing? One of the main reasons we moved here was so that we could be closer to family: Rick's in New York and mine in Ohio. Fat lot of good that's done! (A story for another time) I remember when we were thinking about moving to Charlotte I was talking to my best friend Kris. I said, "If we're going to move away from Arizona, we ought to move to Ohio or New York....not a totally new place." But that's exactly what we did.

The big question remains, even if we do move back would I feel at home in Phoenix? Rick probably would have more job opportunities with his company there as the Charlotte office is a lot smaller than in Scottsdale. What if Rick resents me if we go back? Who says we'll even be able to sell our house here without losing money? What the heck is wrong with me? Why can't I just feel 'at home' where ever I live? Why can't I be like Bodhi in that movie Point Break and go where the best waves are and still feel 'at home'?

Well, reader, I'm sure that's more info about me than you ever hoped to get! If you're even still reading...it's a long post! But it felt good to write about it. :-)