Two Anniversaries

Today, January 19th marks two anniversaries for us here at the Burns' household. Two years ago exactly we moved to Charlotte and closed on our house. These two years have gone by rather quickly. I miss Phoenix sometimes but feel that my family is better off here. Rick does not miss it at all; he was never fond of it.

The other anniversary marks the passing away of my mom exactly 3 years ago. She had been in ICU for over 2 weeks. I remember almost every detail of that day. It was a Thursday. Tyler had just been home from the NICU for a week. The doctor called at 8:30am and asked about DNR (do not resuscitate)instructions for my mom in case she went into cardiac arrest. (She had been on life support for several days.)Knowing that question is not a good sign I told the doctor I'd be there in 10 minutes. The hospital was 1/4 of a mile away. Rick wasn't able to go with me because he was taking care of baby Tyler.

I asked the doctor, "Is my mom for sure going to die?" He said, "Yes, within 24-48 hours." I said, "I don't want to prolong her suffering. I know she'd want me to let her go now." The nurse told me I was doing a very selfless thing. I said, "Doesn't everyone in this situation do this?" He said, "No. Most people do not do that." I was surprised. Then I watched as the nurses got all of these different things in order, had me sign a form, and I had a moment to make a few phone calls. One of my mom's friends came super quickly. I had my Bible. The hospital got me a Chaplin. I placed a photo of Tyler on my mom and a teddy bear. I read Bible verses and the Chaplin said many lovely things, none of which I can remember.

The nurses explained what would be happening in what order. I held mom's hand (through my rubber gloves - I had to wear a hospital bio-hazard outfit) and told her I would have let her go sooner if I would have known the out come. I told her that I had thought she was going to be okay and that's why we didn't help her pass away sooner. The nurses turned off one switch at a time. It sucked. I could feel my body starting to feel like wet spaghetti. My mom's friend held me up. It seemed like forever until the monitor flat-lined. She passed away right before 11am.

I have no doubt that I made the right decision to let her pass away. I wanted her to die with some sense of control, on her terms, not that we really have control when we die but still... I just wish she wasn't on life support for so long. That haunted me for several months. But I understand that the doctors had to exhaust every possibility before they could "let her go".

In hindsight, I thing we had too many MAJOR changes in our lives on only 14 months: had a baby (a very sick baby), mom passed away, and we moved across country. No wonder I'm messed up. hee hee.