Coming Out of the Dark

What a heck of a week! There is no way to sugar-coat it. The only reason I feel comfortable writing about it is because things have been getting better. I think it would be good for me to write it out. Depression and/or pregnancy hormones had me by the throat for several days. It started on Tuesday when I got the stomach flu. I didn't pay much attention to my feelings because who doesn't get depressed when they have the stomach flu? The feelings worsened Wednesday and Thursday, New Years Eve and New Years Day of all days! I didn't go anywhere for four days in a row because of being sick. By Friday I was convinced that if I could just get out of the house my mood would improve. For some reason I had been feeling incredibly lonely. That usually happens if I get depressed. I also got a strong urge to move back to Phoenix.

Ty and I got out for a few hours on Friday. On the way home in the car I started to bawl. I knew I was in a bad frame of mind. I called one of my friends that afternoon and felt better for a few hours. For the rest of that day and for the whole weekend I had many crying spells. It sucked. Once again, I felt terribly lonely. I kept thinking, "I want to go back to Phoenix." Monday was a bit of a better day but not by much. Ty and I had a lunch date with my friend Joni and her son Jacob. I was even feeling sad and lonely while I was with her. (no reflection on her)

Then it finally clicked! I wasn't actually lonely. I was just depressed and the bi-product of that is to feel lonely. Kinda like my brain needs some external thing to blame the chemical imbalance on. That realization alone made me feel better. My friend Christie in Phoenix said something that hit home, too. She said that it's probably not that I miss Phoenix so much, it's that I'm using Phoenix as a reason to explain why I'm so sad. She is 100% because both times I moved to CA I ended up moving back to Phx. because I thought that not being in Phx was the problem. Sure, it helped a little to go back to Phx but the problem never got fully solved....which is the depression.

I have been on a variety of medications (not at the same time...hee hee)over many years and it's like I've yet to find the right 'potion'. I feel like I'm an ammature Psychiatrist at this point with all of the research I've done on depression and medications. I did get to see my doctor today and she helped. She told me that loneliness is a common bi-product of depression and that my pregnancy hormones are making it a lot worse. The logical part of me knows that depression can make a person feel lonely (and visa versa) but I just needed to hear it again. She is adjusting my medication. Unfortunately, she said that things may get worse before they get better because of the adjustment.

I'm also going to start seeing a therapist. I think this will help a lot. Also, as the pregnancy progresses my doctor said that she wants to decrease medication and increase therapy. I agree 100%. I just don't want my baby to have a bunch of drugs in him/her. Once I give birth I'll go back up to full dosage with the meds. This means that I won't nurse the new baby but I am okay with that. I didn't nurse Tyler because I was taking medication. A lot of people think it's okay to nurse while being on anti-depressants but I am not okay with it. I feel bad as it is taking the medication with the baby growing inside of me.

Well, I've basically divulged one of the most personal things about myself. The tears are starting to come now because I'm rather embarrassed. But at the same time, I figure that it might possibly help someone else. God knows other people's experiences have helped me and I'm thankful for that. Thanks to those friends who I've talked to on the phone over the past few days. Thanks also to Rick for letting me know that I'm just having a bad episode and that everything will be okay.