Tuesday, July 7, 2009

7/8/09

Tomorrow would have been baby Kevin's due date. It's not getting any easier for me. In some ways it's become a lot harder. Indeed, I was heartbroken when he passed away and I gave birth to him but I was also relieved that the hell I had been living was over. Physically, I was feeling a lot better because that pregnancy and I simply did not agree! I took comfort in knowing he went to God and that he was not suffering. (The doctors told me that he was never suffering because babies ((fetuses, whatever you choose to call them)) do not feel any sort of pain at that young gestation. Nonetheless, the irrational side of me was concerned that he was in some sort of pain.)

I was receiving TONS AND TONS of support from people which helped more than I can express in writing. The flip side of that, however, is that the support stops. People go on with their lives but my life kind of got stuck in a time warp. Please understand that I understand people can't coddle me forever. I totally get that. It's just that I got so used to it and then it disappeared. Again, I do not mean to sound self-consumed or selfish. It's just that there are so many days in which I want to start crying and I want to say, "I'm not okay." I guess I feel silly doing that because....I don't even know why.....I just do.

As the weeks have gone by I've become angry. It must be a delayed reaction because I wasn't angry when he first passed away. I've let that anger seep into many aspects of my life. Rick has bared the brunt of my grumpiness. I don't want to be angry. It takes enormous amounts of mental, spiritual and physical energy to be angry. I suppose this, too, shall pass. But when?

3 comments:

Nichole said...

Jen,
I'm working on an email for you, I'll send it later. What you are going through is normal. There are four steps in the healing process:
Denial, sadness, anger, and acceptance. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I totally understand your post, b/c the support does dissipate as time goes on, but it still hasn't gotten easier for you. Unfortunately, no words can take your pain away, but know that I am thinking of you and your family :-)

Nic said...

Jen, you always seem so put together..I had no idea that the pain was still something you struggled with daily. Thanks for letting us know your feelings so we can better help you through things.

Jennifer B. said...

Thanks for your comment, Nic. I don't feel like I've been holding it together very well, though. I kind of feel like I've been a jerk toward a lot of people.