Prognosis Postive

Be forwarned that this may be TMI. I've been trying to get pregnant and I was 99% sure that it didn't happen this month. I'll spare you the details as to why I thought this. Yesterday I looked at my calendar and realized it was day 31 of my cycle and I'm typically a 28 day cycle kind of gal. Just to confirm what I already knew, that I was not pregnant, I took a test. I stared at the test and it quickly came back positive. I said aloud, "Okay, who's playing a joke on me?"

I took another one and it came back positive. I called my husband to tell him and he was happy. He said, "You don't sound happy." I told him that I just didn't think I was pregnant and that it would be smart for me not to get excited. I'm wondering if it's a chemical pregnancy AKA a really early miscarriage. I don't have any pregnancy symptoms and that's unusual for me. Anyway, I took another test today and it as also positive and the line was not fainter from yesterday, which is a good sign. I made an OB appointment for next Wednesday.

My plan is to keep taking tests each morning for the next few days to see if the line gets fainter or darker. I just don't feel pregnant......

An Evening with a Friend

Yesterday evening I was on Facebook and saw on of my friends was on at the same time. I IM'd her to ask her if she'd like to get together for a quick cup of coffee sometime this weekend. Well, she happened to be available that evening and I asked Rick if he minded if I go out. For the record, Rick is generous in this aspect. He encourages me to get out with friends or by myself at least once a week.

Amy and I met at 8:15pm and sat outside at Starbucks. If you can believe this, I didn't order a drink! We talked and talked. We took notice when Starbucks turned all the lights of. It was MIDNIGHT but it seemed like we were not even there that long!

A bit of side entertainment were cars and motorcycles making all kinds of noises in the parking lots. Remember that kind of thing from high school? I felt OLD because I had not been around that sort of thing in YEARS! Amy and I got a kick out of it. Can you imagine me peeling out of the parking lot in my Honda Civic tricked out with a toddler car seat?

It was a lovely time. I learned a lot of things about my friend. :-) While I try to plan as much of my life as reasonably possible I am also a huge fan of spur of the moment things. Amy, thanks again. I'm glad you were on FB the same time I was and we could meet up.

Pineville Ice House

Rick has taken Tyler to the Pineville Ice House for the last two weekends in a row. Now we just need to get Ty to skate so Rick doesn't have to keep maneuvering him.

From 3 1/2 to 18

Just a few moments ago while eating dinner:
Tyler-"I go in the car?"
Rick-"Where would you like to go?"
Tyler-"College."

PetSmart and "The Pigs"

I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me to tap into this free source of educational entertainment (AKA PetSmart) before but better late than never. I dropped of the cat for his $67 hair cut early yesterday morning. Tyler and I went to pick him up later in the day and I showed Tyler the animals: birds, rats, cats for adoption, and guinea pigs. He LOVED this. I told him things about each type of animal and he got a kick out of it when I was scratching one very friendly bird's belly and head. We was giggling with delight as he watched the guinea pigs. He kept calling them baby kittens. I told him, "guinea pigs, Ty, they're called guinea pigs," and he said with excitement, "Hi, the pigs!" It cracked me up.

7/8/09

Tomorrow would have been baby Kevin's due date. It's not getting any easier for me. In some ways it's become a lot harder. Indeed, I was heartbroken when he passed away and I gave birth to him but I was also relieved that the hell I had been living was over. Physically, I was feeling a lot better because that pregnancy and I simply did not agree! I took comfort in knowing he went to God and that he was not suffering. (The doctors told me that he was never suffering because babies ((fetuses, whatever you choose to call them)) do not feel any sort of pain at that young gestation. Nonetheless, the irrational side of me was concerned that he was in some sort of pain.)

I was receiving TONS AND TONS of support from people which helped more than I can express in writing. The flip side of that, however, is that the support stops. People go on with their lives but my life kind of got stuck in a time warp. Please understand that I understand people can't coddle me forever. I totally get that. It's just that I got so used to it and then it disappeared. Again, I do not mean to sound self-consumed or selfish. It's just that there are so many days in which I want to start crying and I want to say, "I'm not okay." I guess I feel silly doing that because....I don't even know why.....I just do.

As the weeks have gone by I've become angry. It must be a delayed reaction because I wasn't angry when he first passed away. I've let that anger seep into many aspects of my life. Rick has bared the brunt of my grumpiness. I don't want to be angry. It takes enormous amounts of mental, spiritual and physical energy to be angry. I suppose this, too, shall pass. But when?

July 4th and Tears

Rick took Thursday off and Friday was a holiday for him. We had a long, low-key weekend. We drove over the Buster Boyd Bridge and parked around 8:30pm on the 4th so we could see the fireworks. He just hung out while we were waiting for them to start and right when some of the firecrackers started to go off, Tyler started to scream. There was a nice policeman right by us and he was being all sweet to Tyler trying to get him to calm down. The screaming got worse and we decided to leave. It was horrible. He was so scared. I sat in the backseat with him so I could soothe him but it didn't help. His hands were over his eyes and he was screaming: "I go home. Tyler go home. Tyler go to bed. I go to the gym. I go school."

We kept telling him we were going home but we must have looked like liars because we were stuck in gridlock! He worked himself up so much that his hair was totally sweaty. My heart was breaking because I knew he was genuinely scared. We got him home but it didn't help much because people were letting off firecrackers in our neighborhood. He kept coming downstairs and telling us, "I'm scared." He finally fell asleep around midnight!

I understand that Tyler will experience scary things in his life but that was the first time he told me he was scared. Where did he even learn the words scary and scared?

By Sunday morning he was fine. He didn't mention anything about being scared. Rick took him ice skating in hopes of replacing Tyler's bad memories of July 4th with good memories of July 5th. It must have worked because he had a ball!

Hair: The New Napkin

Before you read this post, be sure to read the one from July 2nd. Tyler has been especially tactile over the past few weeks. What little kid isn't? True, but he is all about putting stuff in his hair lately. He was painting last night and is what happened when I turned my back for less than five minutes. When I saw him, I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt. You should have seen the wall, too. Thank goodness for washable paint!

Kind of looks like a mug shot of a punk rocker toddler, doesn't it?



Looks like war paint on his chest.



Swirly-colored hair.

That Minty Fresh Smell

I didn't fall asleep until after 3am last night because I couldn't turn my brain off. Knowing that Rick took today off I wasn't too worried about my lack of sleep. Rick is naturally an early riser so I figured that Tyler and Rick could hang out until 9:00am or so. At 7:50am I heard Tyler wake up and I sleepily waited a moment to see if Rick was going to get Tyler. No such luck. Tyler and I came downstairs and there was a note from Rick saying he left early to have new tires put on his car. "Oh, but I'm so tired," I thought.

I gave Tyler his morning juice and put on PBS. I absolutely had to lay down for a little while. I must have fallen asleep, which was a big no-no, only to wake up with a startle a few moments later. I had a feeling that Tyler was up to mischief. I heard his little giggle and knew he was sitting on the staircase. I knew I would find that something was amiss but I was NOT expecting this.....he had two new tubes of toothpaste (now half gone) and a hat of toothpaste! His hair was 85% covered with a tons of it! He also got it all over his body, the walls and the stairs.

I so badly wanted to take a picture of him but I didn't dare because I thought that would encourage him. Off into a bath he went immediately. The bath water was so full of toothpaste that I let the water drain and I filled up the tub again.

Note to self: lock up all toothpaste. hee hee.