Tyler's Nest

Something that really cracks us up about Tyler is the nest he creates in his bed. At any given time there are a variety of toys that he surrounds himself with. There are always books (usually around 6 books) and foam letters of the alphabet. (Anyone who has spent time with Tyler knows of his extreme fondness for the alphabet.)Each night before bed Tyler surveys the room for what he wants to put into his nest. Last night it was a stuffed musical octopus and a fairly large truck. This was in addition to the stuff that was already in the bed. There is barely enough room for him to sleep but he seems to like it that way! I wish he would keep his blanket on him but what to do?!

He's been sleeping with me for the past few nights since he's not been feeling well. Rick goes into the guest room because there isn't enough room for all of us. Tyler takes up 80% of the bed by himself! While I don't let Tyler nest in my bed, I cannot tell you how many times I've been kicked in the face or in the boobs because he's in some sort of funky sleeping position.

I think it's croup

Tyler woke up with a barking seal cough last night. I felt so badly for him. I had to look up 'croup' on the internet because I know very little about it. He doesn't have a fever but is still barking a bit. He was acting just fine right before he went to bed and doesn't appear to be upset or anything now. The selfish side of me is like, "Oh man, we have to stay home today!" I think we're probably going to have to cancel our plans for tomorrow. I don't want to make any other kiddos or babies sick.

One in Ten Chance

***Laura, if you're reading this, please keep this information to yourself.***

I went to see Dr. Barkley today regarding the results from my Quad Screening. A lot of you already know that it showed my baby has a one in ten chance of having Down's. Normally, a 37 year old mom would have a 1 in 163 chance. I really didn't walk out of there with anymore information than I had when I walked in (which kind of annoys me) but I do feel a bit better. The nurse who gave me the results over the phone yesterday explained things pretty well but I have to admit that she scared me quite a bit (not her fault). I have an amneosynthesis scheduled for 2/2. It takes a long time to get the results back (3 weeks ????) but it will for sure tell us if the baby has Down's. I want the baby no matter what but I do want to be informed of what is in store for us. The amneosynthesis will also tell us if there are other issues/problems.

Rick went with me and he learned how to give me my weekly progesterone shots. I also had an Ultrasound because they couldn't find the heartbeat with the little machine. The baby was just in an odd position and is fin. It was nice to have the Ultrasound. This makes 3 so far.

I still don't think a 1 in 10 chance is all that bad. We shall see.

Boy or Girl?

I changed the colors of by blog to reflect pink and blue. Can you guess why? We only have a few weeks left until we find out the sex of the baby. Will it be a Kevin or a Shaylee? Although lately I am really starting to like the name Jana for a girl but it may be kind of complicated to have a Jen and a Jana in the same family. What do you think? Why am I debating it? I know we're having a boy anyway. I'm 90% sure it's going to be a Kevin.

Two Anniversaries

Today, January 19th marks two anniversaries for us here at the Burns' household. Two years ago exactly we moved to Charlotte and closed on our house. These two years have gone by rather quickly. I miss Phoenix sometimes but feel that my family is better off here. Rick does not miss it at all; he was never fond of it.

The other anniversary marks the passing away of my mom exactly 3 years ago. She had been in ICU for over 2 weeks. I remember almost every detail of that day. It was a Thursday. Tyler had just been home from the NICU for a week. The doctor called at 8:30am and asked about DNR (do not resuscitate)instructions for my mom in case she went into cardiac arrest. (She had been on life support for several days.)Knowing that question is not a good sign I told the doctor I'd be there in 10 minutes. The hospital was 1/4 of a mile away. Rick wasn't able to go with me because he was taking care of baby Tyler.

I asked the doctor, "Is my mom for sure going to die?" He said, "Yes, within 24-48 hours." I said, "I don't want to prolong her suffering. I know she'd want me to let her go now." The nurse told me I was doing a very selfless thing. I said, "Doesn't everyone in this situation do this?" He said, "No. Most people do not do that." I was surprised. Then I watched as the nurses got all of these different things in order, had me sign a form, and I had a moment to make a few phone calls. One of my mom's friends came super quickly. I had my Bible. The hospital got me a Chaplin. I placed a photo of Tyler on my mom and a teddy bear. I read Bible verses and the Chaplin said many lovely things, none of which I can remember.

The nurses explained what would be happening in what order. I held mom's hand (through my rubber gloves - I had to wear a hospital bio-hazard outfit) and told her I would have let her go sooner if I would have known the out come. I told her that I had thought she was going to be okay and that's why we didn't help her pass away sooner. The nurses turned off one switch at a time. It sucked. I could feel my body starting to feel like wet spaghetti. My mom's friend held me up. It seemed like forever until the monitor flat-lined. She passed away right before 11am.

I have no doubt that I made the right decision to let her pass away. I wanted her to die with some sense of control, on her terms, not that we really have control when we die but still... I just wish she wasn't on life support for so long. That haunted me for several months. But I understand that the doctors had to exhaust every possibility before they could "let her go".

In hindsight, I thing we had too many MAJOR changes in our lives on only 14 months: had a baby (a very sick baby), mom passed away, and we moved across country. No wonder I'm messed up. hee hee.

15 Weeks and Counting

I saw the midwife today and we heard the heart beat. :-) I go for my ultrasound in 3 weeks. Part of me does not want to know the sex of the baby but part of me does. What should I do? Ugggg. Rick wants to know but I'm going to pull rank (hee hee)if I don't want to know. Someone from a medical company is going to come to our house to teach me how to do the progesterone injections myself. That's great; I won't have to go to the OB's office each week. Also, if I go out of town for a week in late March/early July (a story for another time) I'll be able to just take the shot with me and not worry about anything. Grow little fetus, grow!

Pregnancy Side Effects

So I'm not supposed to pick up anything over 30 lbs. Well, in theory that is fine but I am constantly picking up Tyler to put him in the car or in a shopping cart, so forth. He weighs just over 30lbs. Ooops! Also, my stomach is acting so strangely. Almost anything I eat upsets it. Thought that kind of stuff goes away for the 2nd trimester? Didn't have such an upset stomach with I was pregnant with Tyler. Not a huge deal, just wanted to gently complain!

New Person

I am happy to report that I feel like a new person. I'm doing so much better than I was a week ago. It's rather astonishing actually. I saw my new therapist yesterday and I like her quite a bit. She has many patients who are both pregnant and who have depression issues. It was good for me to get out and spend time with people this week. I need to continue to do so.

Tyler started school this week. He seems to like it a lot! Friday was cut short; I had to go pick him up after only a few hours because of a miscommunication. I was supposed to attend a parent orientation that I was not told about. I was not able to attend it on that particular day so they called me and told me to pick him up. Whatever. I felt badly for Tyler because he was having such a good time at school.

I decided to treat him to his favorite food of pizza at CiCi's. It worked out well because we ran into Danelle and Jacob Brown. It was so nice to see them. Ty and I were finished eating but he hung out with them while they ate.

Coming Out of the Dark

What a heck of a week! There is no way to sugar-coat it. The only reason I feel comfortable writing about it is because things have been getting better. I think it would be good for me to write it out. Depression and/or pregnancy hormones had me by the throat for several days. It started on Tuesday when I got the stomach flu. I didn't pay much attention to my feelings because who doesn't get depressed when they have the stomach flu? The feelings worsened Wednesday and Thursday, New Years Eve and New Years Day of all days! I didn't go anywhere for four days in a row because of being sick. By Friday I was convinced that if I could just get out of the house my mood would improve. For some reason I had been feeling incredibly lonely. That usually happens if I get depressed. I also got a strong urge to move back to Phoenix.

Ty and I got out for a few hours on Friday. On the way home in the car I started to bawl. I knew I was in a bad frame of mind. I called one of my friends that afternoon and felt better for a few hours. For the rest of that day and for the whole weekend I had many crying spells. It sucked. Once again, I felt terribly lonely. I kept thinking, "I want to go back to Phoenix." Monday was a bit of a better day but not by much. Ty and I had a lunch date with my friend Joni and her son Jacob. I was even feeling sad and lonely while I was with her. (no reflection on her)

Then it finally clicked! I wasn't actually lonely. I was just depressed and the bi-product of that is to feel lonely. Kinda like my brain needs some external thing to blame the chemical imbalance on. That realization alone made me feel better. My friend Christie in Phoenix said something that hit home, too. She said that it's probably not that I miss Phoenix so much, it's that I'm using Phoenix as a reason to explain why I'm so sad. She is 100% because both times I moved to CA I ended up moving back to Phx. because I thought that not being in Phx was the problem. Sure, it helped a little to go back to Phx but the problem never got fully solved....which is the depression.

I have been on a variety of medications (not at the same time...hee hee)over many years and it's like I've yet to find the right 'potion'. I feel like I'm an ammature Psychiatrist at this point with all of the research I've done on depression and medications. I did get to see my doctor today and she helped. She told me that loneliness is a common bi-product of depression and that my pregnancy hormones are making it a lot worse. The logical part of me knows that depression can make a person feel lonely (and visa versa) but I just needed to hear it again. She is adjusting my medication. Unfortunately, she said that things may get worse before they get better because of the adjustment.

I'm also going to start seeing a therapist. I think this will help a lot. Also, as the pregnancy progresses my doctor said that she wants to decrease medication and increase therapy. I agree 100%. I just don't want my baby to have a bunch of drugs in him/her. Once I give birth I'll go back up to full dosage with the meds. This means that I won't nurse the new baby but I am okay with that. I didn't nurse Tyler because I was taking medication. A lot of people think it's okay to nurse while being on anti-depressants but I am not okay with it. I feel bad as it is taking the medication with the baby growing inside of me.

Well, I've basically divulged one of the most personal things about myself. The tears are starting to come now because I'm rather embarrassed. But at the same time, I figure that it might possibly help someone else. God knows other people's experiences have helped me and I'm thankful for that. Thanks to those friends who I've talked to on the phone over the past few days. Thanks also to Rick for letting me know that I'm just having a bad episode and that everything will be okay.

New Year's Eve

Friends, please try not to be too jealous as I describe my New Year's Eve.

During the day Tyler and I hung out. I was recovering from my stomach virus; it left me rather drained. I was too afraid to eat anything but my stomach was growling so loudly that Tyler thought there was a monster in my belly. (not really). I ate a bit of tortilla chips and mild salsa. My stomach was appeased but what I really wanted was Thai food. Rick came home and I asked him to go get me some. He said, "Jen, I'll go get it for you but I really don't think spicy Thai food is going to set well in your recovering stomach." Thinking I'm so damn smart I retort, "I'll order it mild." (Is there such thing as mild Thai?) I happily ate my Thai food and watched some cheesy movie on Lifetime. (Two hours of my life I'll never get back.)

Then it happened......I started to not feel well. I told Rick he was right. Oh, I hate eating crow! I went to bed at 9:30pm. I think Rick played Xbox or something like that downstairs.

Note to self: when recovering from a stomach virus stay away from spicy food, even if you think you've tamed it down by ordering it mild! Seriously, I don't know what I was thinking. DUH!