More Powerful

There is something that has been more powerful and meaningful to me over the past few weeks than the pain I have been going through. It is exactly the same way I felt when Tyler was in the NICU and when my mom passed away. It is the support I have been receiving. It makes the pain less. So many people, family and friends have said, "Jen, I just don't know what to say." Well, that right there is meaningful. People don't need to say anything. It's just so obvious that they care. I feel badly that my situation has made other people feel badly. I don't like to see other people cry over a situation I'm in. But I thank you for caring.

Whether or not we get a miracle (part of me really thinks we will) I have been blessed in such a way that is stronger than the pain I've felt. The things that have happened over the past few weeks: kind words, looks of empathy, tears, cards, nice e.mails, phone calls, a meal, someone loaning me an awesome book, people sharing their experiences with me, and especially PRAYERS have impacted my life in a way that shows how much people are kindhearted. I always knew that people are kindhearted but this has been especially abundant.

Rick, I feel badly that I've let you down. I've been useless lately. Please do not take this personally. I care about you; it's just that I don't care about the house or laundry or chores. I have been trying (and doing pretty well) at focusing on Tyler, the child that we already have.

Once again, this situation will not break me. Sure, I will have some meltdowns but I'm okay with that. I actually feel pretty fortunate and blessed.

Much love to all of you.

Update

I went to the OB's office this morning. I got teary-eyed from the moment the gal took my blood pressure. I waited for Dr. Phillips and a tech came in to check the baby's heartbeat. Even though my heart was weighed with guilt for feeling this way, my brain hoped that there would be no heartbeat. There was a beautiful, lively heartbeat. I had mixed feelings. The hopeful part of me was glad but I also thought, "I just need this to be over with."

Dr. Phillips was really nice to me. I had several questions for him and I feel a bit better now that I have some more answers. He said that he suspects that the baby will pass away soon, especially since the amnio showed I don't have a lot of amnio fluid (not a good sign). He said I am past the point of a D and C and he explained what will happen when I have to deliver Kevin. He said that he thinks I'm dealing with this very well (I don't feel that way most of the time) and he gave me a hug. He suggested that for my own peace of mind I come in once a week for a heartbeat check. He said that I may have signs of miscarriage or labor but that it's quite possible I won't have any idea that the baby has passed away. Therefore, it's good to get the regular heartbeat checks. I will still have ultrasounds through The Women's Institute about ever 2 weeks I think.

The tech who checked the heartbeat could tell I was having a hard time. She said that kindest thing to me when I told her I am hoping for a miracle, "You never know....doctors do not have the final say, God does." Whatever happens, this horrible situation will not break me. I even said that out loud the other day when I was driving. However, I am allowing myself to have a meltdown here and there. I know God did not do this to me in any mean way. I do not blame him. I know Kevin will be so happy in Heaven. But God, will you please give me a miracle? Will you heal my son? If not, it's okay. I love you, Kevin. My little bun in the oven.

Sooner than Later

I think my attitude was a lot better two days ago. I hope you can understand what I am about to say, I need this to be over sooner as opposed to later. I'm not terminating the pregnancy or anything like that but I just need this to end. I had hoped that Kevin would go full-term and that I'd get to hold him. Of course my first choice is that God will perform a miracle; that has not changed and will not change.

I just cannot get away from this. How can I? He's living inside of me. I'm so tired and I have small cramping quite a bit (nothing strong enough to notify the doctor about). I'm so unmotivated. I have been so bad about cleaning and I'm leaning on Rick to the point that he is frustrated. He's been taking care of Tyler a lot. I've been bad about cleaning and doing laundry ever since I've been newly pregnant so it's not like this is a new thing. However, I think I understand why I've been so tired; my body has been trying to grow a baby that really shouldn't even be alive.(Most Trisomy 13 babies don't live past the 1st trimester.) I think my body has been working triple time, if that makes sense.

I really don't mean to have a pity party for myself. I'm just having a meltdown. A few people have commented on how well they think I've been handling all of this. Well, this is a time in which I'm not handling it well. How long will this go on? I think for the sake of me, Rick and Tyler it needs to end soon. Nonetheless, I continue to pray for my miracle for Kevin. :-)

Drained

It's been two days since we received our bad news. I cry a lot, on and off. I've not been sleeping much. I think this is all to be expected and is pretty normal. The main problem is that my mind is too busy to sleep but I'm too tired to get any cleaning or anything like that done. Rick is being kind, loving, and supportive. He's been taking Tyler off my hands so I can try to rest and so forth. Thank you, Rick. I have a ton of support around me and for that I am THANKFUL. I have explained what will be happening over the next few/several months to some people but I'll do explain it here:

There are a few different scenarios for baby Kevin. I am praying for a miracle. God has the ability to cure all of the things that are wrong with my unborn baby. Only God knows if he is going to give us a miracle. I do not expect a miracle but it would be such a blessing.

If we do not receive our miracle then baby Kevin will pass away. Some people that have Trisomy 13 have survived and there are even a few that grew up to be adults. I am not banking on this because these survivors have so many physical and mental issues. I am almost at week 19 of my pregnancy. If Kevin passes within the next few weeks the doctor will be able to perform a D and C type procedure. This would probably be the least physically painful for me. If Kevin passes after week 21 or 22, I will be induced and will have to give birth to a stillborn Kevin. If this is the case, my prayer is that he will be big enough to hold. Trisomy 13 babies are small. For example, he is currently measuring about 10-14 days behind what he should be.

The pregnancy could continue to full term. One of two things will happen. 1. The physical demands of labor may likely cause Kevin to pass. 2. If he doesn't die then, it will probably be within the first few days. My genetic counselor said Trisomy 13 babies rarely last past the first month.

Part of me hopes for a miscarriage as soon as possible.
Part of my wants him to go full-term so that I can hold him, love on him, take photos with all of us, and just spend some PRECIOUS time with him. Of course this will be terrible heart wrenching on me and Rick.

I have been praying for God's will to be done. I have begged him for a miracle. I am not upset or angry with God. If God takes baby Kevin I will take comfort in knowing they are together and that I will get to be with Kevin (and my 3 other miscarried babies)in Heaven when I pass away. Me, Rick, Tyler, Kevin, and the 3 miscarried babies will all be together! That's awesome.

This situation is sort of in limbo...it's like we're painfully waiting for Kevin to die. I talk to him a lot. I tell him I love him about a 100 times a day and I rub my tummy a lot.I'm thankful he's in my tummy and that he is a part of my body.

Once he does pass, things are going to get a lot worse before they get better but at least I've been given the gift of knowing what the fate was. I mean, some moms' babies die from defects that no one detected through Ultrasound or Quad Screening. What a shock that would be!

If you feel comfortable in doing so please pray for a miracle for baby Kevin. Thank you.

news

I cannot get into this much because we need to tell family first but the baby has Trisomy 13. This is a very, very bad thing. We found out it is a boy. He will be named Kevin Joshua Burns. Please pray for us, we're going to need it.

Worse than expected

Laura, if you're reading this please do not say anything to any family members. Rick and I will let people know. I'll try to make this brief since I'm a bit emotionally drained. We will get prelim. results from the amnio on Wednesday. However, I had a level 2 Ultrasound today before the amnio and they saw something that was not good. I walked into the appointment thinking I had a 1 in 10 chance of having a baby with Downs and the Ultrasound results yield a 1 in 2 chance. I'm heartbroken. The amnio will tell us for sure. BTW the actual amnio wasn't that bad. It didn't hurt much at all.

Amnio on Monday

I've spent the weekend in bed trying to get over a nasty sinus infection. I really need to be at my best for tomorrow's Amnio. I'm kind of nervous but not too much. Thank you to Nicola for watching Tyler during my appointment! My friend from Bible Study, Brigetta, offered to go with me so I won't be alone. This really touched my heart because I hardly even know her. Please send good thoughts my way or say a little prayer that the amnio goes really well. It's at 2:15pm in Ballantyne. Thank you.